


The Strongest Love (Milujem ťa)

by 19EastFrontStLillington



Category: Rhett & Link, Rhett and Link
Genre: Angst, Denial, Guilt, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Lost Love, M/M, Pain, Pining, Religious Conflict, a can of Sprite, college randl, foolish boys, sorry it's emotional, summer of 99
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22144159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/19EastFrontStLillington/pseuds/19EastFrontStLillington
Summary: What happened in the summer of 1999.
Relationships: Link Neal/Christy White, Rhett McLaughlin/Jessie Lane, Rhett McLaughlin/Link Neal
Comments: 14
Kudos: 45





	The Strongest Love (Milujem ťa)

Rhett couldn't wait to get back to their apartment in Raleigh. During the flight home he had been anxious and excited, his palms so sweaty he dropped the can of Sprite the flight attendant handed him after the meal. "I'm so sorry!" he exclaimed, blushing under his light, buzzed hair "I'm just ... I'm really nervous ... to see ... to see my .... friend." The flight attendant smiled at the impossibly tall, skinny young man with the big green eyes and said "a special friend?" with a knowing tone. Rhett went red again up to his ears at his own daring as he blurted out "he's the most special person in my life." She patted him on the shoulder and said warmly "I'm sure he's excited to see you too" before moving on through the cabin.

Rhett desperately hoped that was true. Before leaving on his mission to Slovakia, he and Link had not parted on good terms. In fact, they'd had the worst fight of their young lives. In the years since they had begun college, the boys had grown close, closer than either of them ever thought they could be, than they ever would have dared to be back in the suffocating religious culture of their small southern town. At first, the denial was strong. They told themselves they were just experimenting, just "messing around" but soon enough it was clear their bond was much more than that. Countless times they agreed they had to stop, they tried to "pray the feelings away" and swore endless oaths to hold each other accountable that were broken as soon as they were made. 

During one of these periods of self-imposed restriction, Link met a pretty blonde named Christy, at a rollerskating social. She was cheerful, and sweet, and very southern. She was from a town not far from Buies Creek, and they often talked about the familiar experiences they shared of growing up in the deep south. Rhett had been angry and jealous, but hid those feelings deep in his heart, and tried to be happy for his friend. This was the way things were supposed to be, he thought. The "right" way. So he was charming and funny and a gentlemanly third wheel, until eventually he agreed, at the urging of his mother, to be matched up with Jessie, a raven haired beauty who was a friend of the family. She was 3 years younger than him, and he liked her a lot, he really did, but he couldn't bring himself to make it official, to do anything besides take her on casual double dates with Link and Christy, and hangouts at school or church.

Things continued in this routine for a while, until the boys were drawn together once again. Guilt had always shadowed their times of fervent passion, as with kisses and tears, they whispered promises into heated skin and held onto each other like drowning souls, like when they plunged into the icy waters of the cape fear river at 17 and almost died, but now their guilt increased tenfold, at the thought that they were deceiving their unknowing girlfriends. They wanted to be good boys, to do what they were supposed to do, but the thread between them, tied tight and formed when they were barely more than babies, kept pulling them back, always.

As time went on, Jessie and Rhett started to have arguments about Rhett not progressing the relationship, and Link had talked about Christy's similar concerns, with Rhett, when he returned from dates with her. 

"We gotta step up, bo" Rhett said sadly during one of these discussions, "We gotta do what's right."  
Link looked at Rhett with those blue eyes that made him ache, nodding, but not saying anything at first. Then, nervously chewing at a nail, an old habit, he asked "What if we didn't?"  
"What do you mean, man?"  
"I mean, what if we... didn't do that, Rhett. What if we just told everyone to go to hell and we.... we were together, really together." He was shaking with emotion, as his thoughts and feelings spilled out in a rush.

"We've been seeing the girls a while now, and I know we both .... we ain't bein fair to 'em... ain't bein true, holding back on lettin' 'em in because ..... of this. We made a pact that we wouldnt tell any girl we loved 'em until it was serious, but, we're stopping ourselves from bein' serious with 'em........ because .... because we don't wanna say "I love you" to nobody but each other! I love you, Rhett, gosh dangit I've loved you since first grade, I reckon. Since before I even knew I had a heart to give, it's been yours. I know everyone says it's wrong, the Lord will damn us, but I... I don't care! I want to be with you! I want to be brave.... I need you to be brave with me, bo. Please."

Rhett blinked rapidly as he watched Link's sweet impassioned face, vulnerable and pleading, as open as he had ever been. He felt dizzy and frightened, he tried to push away the image of his father in his mind, imposing and stern, appearing much bigger than his height, cautioning his teenage self about "not gettin up to anything funny" with "the neal boy." He shut his eyes for a moment and saw his mother's mouth in a pinched line, as she gossiped with the other ladies from church about "those two queer fellas" who moved in just outside of town. He felt the heat of hellfire flames and the weight of all the expectations put on him, the golden child, the athlete, the McLaughlin boy who needed to excel, who had been taught the importance of the family reputation from the time he was born.

Link reached out and put his hand on Rhett's shoulder, squeezing gently as he started to speak.  
"Bo? ..... are you oka-"  
Rhett jolted, startled out of his reverie and violently jerked his shoulder back.  
"Don't touch me!!!"  
Link flinched, his eyes wide with confusion, and, for the first time in his life when looking at Rhett, fear.  
"Don't fucking do this, Link! We can't be together! That's some naive kid shit!! We ain't 14 anymore and camping on the island, makin' up stories about how our lives are gonna be! We're men now, we gotta grow up and forget this!! Gettin' married and having babies, having a family, that's what's in store for us, ok? That's what's godly, and right ...... and what everyone ....... what everyone expects! You wanna damn us to hell!? You wanna kill your momma with this!? You're out of your fucking mind!! Maybe my dad was right about you, you were always the one who ..... w-who was such a sissy.... soft like a girl.... you probably made me this way!!!"

He stopped, panting with exertion as his words settled between them, like the fallout from a bomb blast, the wasted rubble of their hearts, crushed and shattered on the ground.

Link stood, stunned, his eyes blank with shock, and he stumbled back for a moment like he was going to fall. He looked down at his feet and finally spoke, his voice broken and rough.  
"I ......... I'm sorry, Rhett. You're ......... right. You're always right. Forgive me? We can fix this, we can make it better. When we go on the mission to Slovakia next week we can-"  
Rhett shook his head, his stern expression contrasting the screaming pain inside him, as he delivered the final blow.  
"I don't think you should come on the mission."  
"What!? Why? We always.... we've been part of the Campus Crusade since-"  
"You ain't right, Link! You ain't fit to share the gospel! You gotta get your head on straight! I don't wanna be around you! We both gotta get right with the Lord and being together on this mission ain't gonna help that. It's for the best." He spoke the words harshly, and with an authority he did not feel, as what he said to Link was really what he thought about himself, projecting his own shame onto the smaller boy.

Link sat down unsteadily on the couch and put his head in his hands. He started to cry as Rhett stalked out of the apartment and slammed the door, walking for hours in a rage before returning late that night, and falling into a tortured sleep.

The week passed in an uneasy truce as they went through the motions of living, going to class, acting normal around their roommates and friends. Link had gone to the Campus Crusade office the next day and dropped out of the mission, claiming he had a family emergency, and had left the confirmation slip on Rhett's desk with an air of stiff, miserable dignity.

The day arrived when Rhett was due to fly out, and he hadn't seen Link since that morning, when he'd left the apartment after breakfast, saying he had an early study group. Rhett didn't know if he hoped Link would stay away, or if he wanted to see him. He had closed everything inside of himself, forcing the pain into a hard, heavy stone that sat in the pit of his stomach. He packed his suitcase and sat down to wait for the other Campus Crusade guys, who were coming to take him to the airport. The apartment door opened slowly, and Link crept in, stopping when he saw Rhett on the couch. 

"Oh... hey. I .... I thought you'd probably be gone by now."  
"Not yet, just waitin on my ride."  
Link sat down on the other end of the couch, the distance between them seeming vast and insurmountable. Rhett was wondering if they would just sit in silence until he had to go, urging himself to say something, when Link turned towards him and gingerly put his hand on top of his, and opened his mouth to speak.  
In that moment, Rhett felt a wild compulsion to exclaim "Say it again, Link! ask me again! tell me I'm wrong, tell me to run away with you right now!!!"  
Link started to say "Rhett, I still-" and suddenly there was a loud knock at the door, the noise bursting into the room like a gunshot, as the guys outside laughed and yelled "time to go McLaughlin!"  
Rhett snatched his hand away from Link and stood up. He gripped his suitcase in one hand and turned towards the door. He did not look back.

The three months in Slovakia were filled with new experiences for Rhett. He'd never travelled overseas, never been away from everything familiar for so long, never had this much time pass without seeing or speaking to Link. Jessie was spending the summer in the mountains with her grandmother, and he went to elaborate lengths to send regular letters to her through a convoluted system of dictated emails, passed along to her by relatives. He did not try to contact Link. He was bitterly ashamed at how he had behaved, and thought Link would, quite rightly, reject any peacemaking advances from him.

He felt like a fraud when speaking about the gospel, when playing his guitar with the young group of christians he was travelling with, when making everyone laugh as he goofed around during their presentations. He ached for Link, and his confused heart beat out a song of sorrow every night as he lay in his bed, thousands of miles away. 

The night before they were to leave, everyone went to a local festival in the town. It was a colourful and celebratory affair, plenty of food, music and dancing, with traditional ceremonies and customs. Rhett hung back on the sidelines, he was never great in big social situations, plus he still didn't feel like himself, and didn't want to dampen the excited mood of his friends. He drifted slowly through the crowd, coming upon a small stall on the fringes of the festival, with a table stacked with ornaments shaped like little birch trees, festooned with a riot of coloured ribbons. 

He smiled at the old woman behind the stall and asked "čo sú tieto?" (what are these?) in his halting slovak. The woman started to respond in rapid-fire slovak, so he held his hand up and said "sorry, any english?" with an apologetic air. She laughed and said "of course, drahá." (dear) She gestured to the little trees and said "they are Máj. In old times, when a young man was in love, and wanted to declare himself, he would go into forest and cut down small birch tree, and zdobiť .. how you say ... decorate .... with ribbons, to bring to house of his love, and show her he had picked his bride. These days ..... the young people... they don't care for traditions much... but Máj totems are still popular gift for lovers wanting to reveal what is in their hearts." 

She cocked her head at him and said slyly "you have something hidden in your heart, no?" Rhett hesitated, trying to tell himself that she probably said this to everyone, just a way to sell her wares, but then stammered out "Yes! ... I ... I made a mistake... I want to ..... show someone that I ..."  


The old woman smiled and said "You have suffered in this love. It is often so. But it is never too late to try, drahá." She held out one of the Máj totems, a beautiful ceramic rendering of the tiniest birch, with ribbons entangling it's branches. "You take."  
Rhett shook his head, "No, I'm sorry, I'm just a visiting student, I can't afford.....and I .."  
She shushed him, and said again, emphatically "No buy! You take! Bring your love back to you. Be strong!"

Rhett reached out his hand and let her place the totem in it. He felt the softness of the ribbons against his fingers, and for a fleeting second felt the ghost of Link's skin against them, the velvet smooth of his back when he would hold him in his arms. He was overcome with emotion and choked out "Thank you so much ma'am, I'm sorry ... I have to .... I have to go" and headed back into the throng of people abruptly, blinded by the tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

He spent the night in pleading and prayer, begging for redemption, begging for God to sanction and approve, begging for the strength to stand up to the doctrine he had faithfully followed his entire life. 

Now, as he headed home from the airport, he was filled with apprehension and hope, his mind already imagining the reunion with Link, giving him the little Máj currently nestled in his suitcase, and he allowed himself to feel cautiously optimistic. 

When he arrived back at their apartment, it was empty. He figured Tim and Gregg would be in class, but he thought Link was usually home at this time, and he nervously busied himself by unpacking, and taking the precious totem out of his bag, placing it on the coffee table reverently, practicing the phrase he had learned the morning they left.

He had asked Mária, their translator, how to say "I love you" in slovak, and she had teased him good naturedly, saying "your lucky girlfriend, huh?" He had just blushed and shrugged, and she replied "well ... we say I love you in many ways. most common is Ľúbim ťa.... but .."  
"But?"  
"But there is another one. Milujem ťa. They both translate to the same words, "I love you" but with Milujem ťa it is important that you do not say it unless you are very serious. It is for only the strongest love."

  


"The strongest love...." Rhett had echoed, thinking of two 6 year olds colouring together at recess, small hands held around a huge tree, the cool waters of a secret river spot, the solemn recitation in cracking teen voices of a blood oath, the ecstasy of a first kiss, the pale drained face of a blue-eyed boy with a broken heart. He had been a coward, he thought. Link had been the strong one the whole time, how stupid to think it had been the other way around. He only hoped he could make amends and show Link he was worthy of "the strongest love."

Now, home at last, he sat waiting for Link, absentmindedly caressing the little ribboned tree, and murmuring "Milujem ťa" to himself. 

He heard steps approaching and steeled himself as he heard the jangle of keys being taken out, then a soft "dangit!" as the keys were obviously dropped on the ground, and he smiled, thinking with affection "oh, you clumsy goof!" He was still smiling as Link opened the door, and Link automatically smiled back, the habit of a lifetime, before a moment passed, and a wariness crept into the smile. 

"Hi Rhett"  
"Hey b-... hey Link"  
Bo, their usual term of endearment got stuck in his throat as he awkwardly wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans.  
Link was looking at him, unsure, and as Rhett looked back into his eyes, those eyes he knew better than his own, he noticed something he had never seen before. Those eyes, always filled with happiness and life and a gentle innocence, had something else in them now, a resigned hurt, the slightest dim to that usual sparkle, like a bright light ringed with darkness. He had done that. He felt overwhelmed for a second with wrenching guilt, but he caught sight of the Máj on the table in front of him, and forged ahead with all his resolve.

"Listen ...Link" "Rhett..... I"  
They both started to speak at the same time, and Link laughed, that tinkling giggle that had always filled Rhett with joy and comfort and he thought "How could I have forsaken this? How could I have let even one ounce of pain enter this boy's soul? I have been a fool."

Link sat down next to him and rushed forward into what he'd obviously been waiting to say.  
"Please... let me talk. Rhett, I'm so sorry for what I did. It was wrong of me to ...... put you in that position. You were right to ... say what you did. I did a lot of thinking... and ... praying while you were away, I tried to understand that... there was a devil in me, leading us ... astray.. and I ... I want to make things right."

Rhett was aghast, and opened his mouth to assure Link that he had been the wrong one, a terrible coward, too proud and scared to take that leap of faith with him, but before he could say a word, Link continued.

"Christy ..... she got back from her California trip last week. I wasn't going to yet... I didn't have a ring... but ... I ..... I proposed. We're engaged. I thought ..... well, it's the right thing to do. Like you said. I don't want you to worry about me ...... bothering you ... in that way anymore. I hope we can still be friends?" 

Rhett stared at Link in horror, the edges of his vision going fuzzy, as the room swayed and dimmed. Link furrowed his brow in concern, reaching out, asking "hey are you feeling ok?" Rhett bunched his fists together, until his knuckles whitened, and he bit his cheek so hard in an attempt to keep a pleasant, untroubled smile on his face that he drew blood, and forever after, any time he tasted the iron flavour of blood and flesh, he would choke and gag, instantly transported back to that moment in his life when he thought he was dying, actually dying, of heartache and regret.

"That's ........great, man. I'm ....... really happy... for the both of you. Apology accepted. Of course we're still friends, you ain't gonna get rid of me that easy."  
He waggled his eyebrows in his usual "aren't I hilarious?" way, and no one would ever know the effort it took for him to keep breathing, to keep going, in that excruciating minute. 

Link smiled and flushed with relief. He punched Rhett on the arm and said "So...you gonna tell me all about the trip? Hey... what's that? A gift for Jessie?" Link had noticed the Máj on the coffee table, and touched it lightly, fascinated by the ceramic branches covered with little strips of ribbon.

"NO!" Rhett exclaimed, grabbing the totem. Link looked confused and Rhett laughed breezily, saying "It's just some dumb souvenir, I forgot it was even in my suitcase, I was gonna throw it away, we don't need any more random crap to clutter the apartment." Link shrugged and said "Ok, whatever. It sure is pretty though. You maybe wanna order pizza and stay in tonight?"  


Rhett nodded, and said "sure buddy, sounds good." He slowly got up off the couch, not sure how he was even able to move. Can you exist without a functioning heart? Can you walk and talk and live the rest of your life with a gaping hole in the middle of your chest? He would have to, he thought. He would have to.

He walked into the kitchen, and steadied himself against the counter, before looking at the Máj still gripped tightly in his other hand. "Milujem ťa" he whispered, as he threw the little totem, and any remaining slivers of hope, into the trash.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed my first fic. Comments always welcome. Be kind. Thank you for reading.


End file.
